Alexandra Petri

01/17/2017 - 2:00pm

    Donald Trump has been blessed with two tall and healthy adult sons who have slain numerous wild beasts using only sticks that spit fire. They are married to human women, and their hair is sleek and glossy like the back of a marmot. They possess the right number of teeth. Donald Trump loves to speak to them and give them his counsel, and the one great...

12/10/2016 - 2:00pm

    Congratulations! The American people have given you the formidable responsibility of assembling a Cabinet. The best Cabinet ever, you promised! And with none of the problems of previous Cabinets. And without any ties to plutocrats or the grotesque handful of corporations, like Goldman Sachs, that are...

11/27/2016 - 6:00pm

    "After meeting with Mr. Trump . . . Mr. Obama realized the Republican needs more guidance. He plans to spend more time with his successor than presidents typically do, people familiar with the matter said."

    -- The Wall Street Journal

...
11/27/2016 - 1:00pm

    OK, you could live through the next four years. But if you have money and imagination, and are not afraid of robots, why not try one of these theme parks, cleverly designed for people not satisfied with the results of the election? We will deposit you there by helicopter and see to your every need. It...

11/24/2016 - 6:00pm

    Listen, what proof do you have that this dead lizard wrapped in the Confederate flag will not make an excellent chief strategist and senior counselor to the president of the United States?

    I, for one, believe that everyone deserves a chance.

...
11/18/2016 - 6:00pm

    Election night. The results come in. You tear your hair and rend your garments.

    Wild with rage and pain, you stumble out into the street. Around you, the monuments crumble. Abraham Lincoln's posture on his memorial has changed so that he is...

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